Friday, November 2, 2012

Be a tortoise.

Last night I had my Campaigners girls over (er...just one girl came this week, actually).


Campaigners is a time for Young Life kids to "dig deeper" into what they hear on Monday nights when we tell them about Jesus. It looks different at every school. In past years, Berkner has had Campaigners with all grades combined, but this year we decided to have them individually for each grade. This Thursday night event has become my favorite time of the week for more reasons than one. My group of 8 girls meet at my house at 7:30 for girl talk, Bible study, venting and the occasional treat. Last night, I made "turtles":





This is my third year leading now and I am a completely different leader than when I started.
Every year, I begin the year by realizing how crappy of a leader I was the year before
First off, I was eighteen when I first started and barely out of high school myself. I was leading at the school that I had graduated from just 3 months prior to that and had no idea how to talk to the freshmen girls. You'd think I would have been a pro at it since I myself had been one much more recently than any of the other leaders. But that was definitely not the case because I was so awkward!
Now, I definitely don't claim to be a super-star by any means. I know for a fact that there are plenty better leaders out there than I am because I have the privilege of leading alongside some of them every single week. I have, however, learned valuable lessons in my experience so far that I wish someone would have warned me of when I first started out. 
And so, I was inspired this morning to write a "top 9" {I know 9 is random. I tried to stick to 5, but this is what it turned into, and then I couldn't think of a 10th} of tips I wish I could write in a letter and send to myself 3 years ago, when I first became a Young Life leader. {Why yes, I did steal Brad Paisley's idea about the whole letter thing.} Here's what I've got:

1. Be present. Latch onto a leader that has been there longer and follow them around to all of the events they attend. I was lucky enough to have already had a great relationship with Kate Habicht {who just became Kate Quinn a few weeks ago!!!}, our Young Life staff person for Berkner, and she became that person for me. Just let them notice that you're there at their events and then reach out to them for coffee or dinner.

2. Learn the art of small talk. 

TalktothemaboutschoolTalktothemaboutboysTalktothemaboutgirlsTalktothemabouttheirfavoriteshowsTalktothemaboutsportsTalktothemabouttheweatherTalktothemaboutMondaynightclubTalktothemabouttheirfamilyTalktothemabouttheirfriendsTalktothemabouttheirenemiesTalktothemabouttheirhairTalktothemabouttheirhobbiesTalktothemabouttheirgoalsTalktothemabouttheirdreamsTellthemfunnyjokesTelltheminnapropriatejokesTellthemaboutyourjobTellthemaboutyourfamilyTellthemaboutyoursignificantotherTellthemaboutthethingsyou'reproudofTellthemaboutthethingsyou'renotproudofTalktothemabouttheirsuccessesTellthemaboutyoursucessesTalktothemabouttheirfailuresTellthemaboutyourfailures.

Just talk--even if it's about the most insignificant things. Sometimes the beginning stages of building relationships with teenagers feels a lot like dating. At first, conversations are very surface level and sometimes awkward. But after some time, you eventually get to the conversations that really matter. There is a proper order for everything, and conversations are no different.

3. Demand honesty. Both years that I've been to camp as a leader, I begin our first cabin time {Preface: At camp, they have club every day where they obnoxiously sing songs, play games and then a speaker stands up to share a part of the Gospel with them. After each talk, kids go back to their cabins to discuss what they just heard with their leaders. Hence, the name "cabin time".} by laying out a few ground rules. I make them all agree that everything that is said remains confidential and that we're not going to talk about anything that's said with anyone else once we leave the cabin. I tell them it's a place where they can ask any questions they want, even the dumb ones. And if I ask them a question, they are to respond with blunt honesty -- even if their response is to tell me they think I'm an idiot and they think I'm full of crap {or even the other word for crap}. I don't want them to put on a show for me, or to feed me answers they think I want to hear. I just want to know them: the real them, not the "them" they present to everyone else. I want to know the things they're proud of and the things they're not proud of. I want genuine relationships.

4. Avoid sarcasm. This one might sound strange, but hear me out. Teenagers are fragile. They will take anything and everything you say personally. A teensy tiny joke about how they're a pig because they had 4 helpings of mashed potatoes at dinner might be intended as a friendly tease, but what they're hearing is, "You're an ugly fat ass." Lack of self confidence isn't a struggle for girls alone. Boys deal with it too. And you, as their leader, need only to be building them up with compliments. You can never ever ever be too careful when using sarcasm, because they're going to believe that every joke you tell carries a little bit of truth.

5. Show them your confidence. Teenagers thrive off of confidence. Their souls salivate at today's celebrities and supermodels because of one thing -- their confidence. No teenager is going to believe you have anything to offer them if they think you're just as fearful and self conscious as they are. The cool thing is that you can let them know of your confidence in many ways. I was blessed with being a disgusting human being, so I fart and belch in front of the girls to deliver one message -- I don't give a crap! I rock it. And luckily I found a man who loves me despite my grossness. 
One of my best friends, Taylor Quesada, was sharing with me a couple weeks ago about her experience so far leading Young Life in College Station. She told me that when she sees a kid that she hasn't met before, she asks someone else what their name is, obnoxiously calls them out and follows it with a compliment or an invitation to be friends -- in the middle of a crowd, without fear. I've never seen her in action over there, but I know the kids love her because she is one of the most confident people I've ever met in my life. Our senior year, she danced around in a blow-up fat ballerina costume at a pep rally in front of our entire school. Who wouldn't want to be best friends with someone like that?!
So be loud and crazy, and dance like an idiot at club on Monday nights. Be over the top. Shove invisible microphones in their face and demand that they sing louder as you scream Miley Cyrus lyrics at them. They are going to think you're insane, but secretly they'll want to be you.

6. They won't let you in during the bad times, if you're not there for them in the good times. This is a life-changing realization I just came to last week. I used to believe that you earn the right to be heard with people through being there for them when they're in a rough spot, or going through a tragedy. It's exactly the opposite, though. No teenager is going to give a crap and want you there for them when their parents divorce, or when someone near to them dies, or some other tragedy happens if you aren't there to celebrate with them before that. You earn your right to be heard by people by genuinely celebrating with them -- which is a lot harder to do than you might think! Genuine happiness for someone looks like that psycho, overenthusiastic mom that's screaming at the top of their lungs as she cheers on her kid at their soccer game. It's that dad that loses his mind and charges the umpire when they make a bad call at his 4-year-old son's tee-ball game. It's knowing their sports schedules and showing up to every single one -- just to be a face in the audience. Genuine happiness for someone is so rare and valuable in gaining trust from teenagers. Show them that you have this, and you just might earn the right to be that person they call when they're in a crisis.

7. You can't achieve #6 if you don't have this one: Be consistent. In the words of my friend, Todd Tramonte: "Teenagers have enough inconsistent people walking in and out of their lives." It is impossible to earn their trust if you look like every other figure in their life. 

8. Forget about the numbers. We say this all the time when talking about attendance at club. It really is about quality, rather than quantity. When I first became a leader, I was more concerned with making sure I knew every single one of the kids in my assigned grade {which is an impossible feat at a school of nearly 3,000}, rather than latching on to the few girls that I first met, and growing those relationships. I was so consumed with the numbers, I can honestly say that I failed at truly discipling any kids until my third year. I wasted half of my kids high school years being overwhelmed with the numbers. In the words of Andy Stanley, "Do for one what you can't do for all." After all, Jesus called us to make disciples, not to know the name of every kid at _________ High school.

9. And with all of that comes the most important thing I've learned so far: Be a tortoise. Ever heard the tale about the tortoise and the hare? It begins with a hare challenging a ridiculously slow moving tortoise to a race. The hare quickly leaves the tortoise in the dust, and takes a nap in the middle of the race to show his superiority. When he awakens, he opens his eyes just in time to see his competitor slowly creeping across the finish line. 
Slow and steady wins the race.
Don't get discouraged if you don't immediately have kids reaching out to befriend you. Sometimes teenagers are like scared dogs {Please don't take offense to that, guys}. Approach them too strongly and they'll run away. Stand there and let them sniff your hand first, and they'll let you pet them.
Don't be discouraged if your relationships with kids comes about slowly. It takes time! The more damaged the kid is, the less likely they are going to be to open up to you and let you see what's inside that heart of theirs. You can't get to the guts though, without spending some time digging. You have four years. Start now.

I hope this is helpful, interesting, or at least slightly humorous to any new leaders out there reading this! Happy Friday.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Ashton! Welcome to the blogging world! I found your blog through this post over on The Young Life Leader Blog. I'm a YL leader as well (have been for the past 6 years) and I loved your post! I'm a new follower now and I'm excited to keep up with your blog!

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